Dark Willow and Crazy Pants Tara
by Haxan
Summary: Uh-oh. Dark Willow's on a murderous rampage again but this time she's brought company! A lighter alternative side to the end of Season Six. W/T pairing. On going drabble series. Now includes Anya's Xmas Special!
1. Unholy Messenger

Disclaimer- Buffy and her Merry Band of Scoobies belong to Joss. I'm just messing with 'em….

_AN- I thought I'd try a 100 word per chapter thing (or what MS Word thinks is a 100 words), so this is an attempt to write an alternative version of the last 3 episodes of Season 6 in a type of drabble series. Watch out if you haven't seen that season yet, 'cause this fic will be full of lashings and lashings of big fat spoilers. Some of the other stuff though, will just be very silly. :)_

**Dark Willow and Crazy Pants Tara**

X

**One - Unholy Messenger**

Willow rocked the dead body of Tara in her arms and cried and wailed and blubbered.

Until she remembered she was a kick ass witch.

"Oh Osiris, Keeper of the Dead, I command thee to appear before me!"

Willow shuddered as she stared at the terrible demonic visage above her ceiling.

Then it spoke.

'**Greetings. You have reached Osiris, Keeper of the Dead. Unfortunately, I'm not in at the moment, but if you'd like, please leave your blood sacrifice, unholy supplication or dark incantation after the beep and I will endeavour to get back to you… BEEEEEEP…'**

"…crap." said Willow.


	2. Tempus Fudge It

**Two – Tempus Fudge It**

"Fine. Don't need stupid Osiris." muttered Willow. "Probably just make me barf snakes again anyway."

She closed her eyes and concentrated. 

"I'll just use my l33t M0j0 MAD SKILLZ, turn back time in a really half-assed way and grab Tara before the bullet hits her instead. It'll be as easy as de-ratting Amy. What could possibly go wrong?"

Willow glowed and the dead Tara glowed too. 

Then Tara flickered and disappeared.

The fabric of Time ripped. 

The Universe sneezed.

Planets exploded.

Tara came back.

Willow opened her eyes.

"Hoppy toads!" giggled brain sucked Tara from Season 5.

"…crap." said Willow. 


	3. Bullets Bad Slayer Bouncy

**Three – Bullets Bad. Slayer Bouncy.**

Xander thought that since he lived on a Hellmouth, nothing could surprise him anymore. 

He was wrong.

Warren surprised him when he brought out a gun. (He was pretty sure that was kinda cheating.)

Buffy surprised him when she got shot.

Willow surprised him by appearing by his side all back in black with the witchy eyes.

But Tara surprised him the most.

"Bouncy!" giggled Tara.

"Um…is this some kind of New Age-y CPR?" asked Xander, watching the blonde jump up and down on the prone bleeding Slayer. "Except with feet?"

"Bouncy! Bouncy! Bouncy!" replied Tara.

"…help me…" whimpered Buffy.

X

_AN- Cheers for the feedback guys! Glad you're getting a kick out of this as much as I am writing it. And oops! Sorry about the computer screen, Melanacious! :D (hands out virtual wet wipes)_


	4. Customers From Hell

**Four – Customers From Hell**

"Where do you keep the Dark Arts books?" asked Willow, prowling the shop.

"I refuse to pander to your addiction, you black magic junkie you!" declared Anya, bravely struggling to move from the witch's spell.

Then she looked thoughtful. "Are you going to pay for them?" she asked hopefully, thoughts of cash registers chiming merrily in her head.

"No."

"Cheapskate." muttered Anya.

A jar crashed to the floor making the vengeance demon jerk in her magical bonds.

"And you! Stop eating the merchandise!" she scolded, glaring at the culprit.

"Nom, nom, nom." mumbled Tara around a mouthful of chicken feet.

X

_AU- Happy Easter Everyone!:)_


	5. Buyer Beware

**Five – Buyer Beware**

Willow gazed up at the shelves on the second floor and narrowed her eyes. Suddenly all the Dark Arts books burst out from their resting place and flew through the shop like a flock of unnatural birds. The air seemed to vibrate with the chilling hissing rustle of many papery wings as one by one they landed heavily on a nearby table. Willow watch in fascination then yelped when a low flying book clonked her on the head. The witch lay dazed on the floor while the 'Vengeance for Dummies' hardback dropped on top of the pile.

"Hah!" said Anya.


	6. Fix It All

**Six – Fix It All**

Willow glared at the Dark Arts books, sourly rubbing the back of her head.

"Hoppy toads?" Tara looked up at the witch with concerned watery eyes.

"Less of the hoppy and more like the bludgeon-y…Book bludgeon-y." replied Willow.

She mustered up a smile. "I'm okay."

"Hoppy!" squealed Tara and gave her a big hug.

Willow swallowed back the pain of being so close to Tara and yet so far.

She gently untangled herself from the embrace and vowed she was going to fix Tara.

Fix Warren.

She turned back to the books that pulsed with terrible power.

Fix it all.

X

_AN- OMG! It's a SERIOUS MOMENT! O.O; Don't worry though, normal silliness will resume in the next drabble. (Will, just got all resolve-y due to an onslaught of Tara huggles…and a possible concussion.)_

_Cheers for the FB guys! Lots more to come. :)_


	7. Kinda Ruining the Moment

**Seven – Kinda Ruining the Moment**

Willow closed her eyes, placed both hands on top of the nearest open pages and concentrated.

Her fingers tingled as they sank into the paper and the forbidden text crawled over her arms.

She could sense it creeping up the flesh of her neck.

Caressing her cheeks.

Bleeding into her hair.

Suddenly everything screeched to a halt as a marker pen started doodling on her skin.

Willow cracked open a shiny ebony eye.

"Um…Sweetie? You're kinda ruining the big black magick-y moment here."

"Moose in a bathtub!" giggled Tara and kept on trying to join the dots on Willow's face.


	8. Putting the ‘err’…in ER

**Eight – Putting the 'err'…in ER**

The medical staff swarmed around the gunshot victim.

"It's the left ventricle!" exclaimed the doctor, furiously working on his patient. "She's bleeding out!"

A nurse looked at the monitor. "BP is down to 80/palp!"

"Dammit, get me-"

Suddenly a cold strident voice cut through the air.

"Leave." said Willow, standing at the doorway.

"Hey! You can't just-"

"NOW."

"Oh. Okey-dokey."

The witch watched as the medics trooped out the room.

"It's alright Buffy." she soothed, walking up to the gurney. "I'll fix yo-."

Then she blinked.

"Wait-a-minute! Y-you're not Buffy!"

"…aaaargggleee….arrrggg…" slurred the stranger. Dying.

"Oops."

Willow blushed.

"Wrong room."


	9. Not So Easy

**Nine – Not So Easy**

Willow gazed at the prone form of Buffy. (She had double-checked this time.)

"Will, what are you doing?! She's going to die!" flustered Xander.

"No she isn't."

Xander boggled in amazement as an object was magically extracted from Buffy's body.

"It's so small." mused Willow.

"And red…and squishy…and NOTHING like a bullet!" yelled Xander.

"Hey! Psychic surgery? Not so easy." Willow pouted.

"What is that anyway?" Xander asked, peering at the red floating thing suspended in the air.

"Um…maybe her…appendix?"

"You…you don't even KNOW?!"

"Yeah. Well. I'd like to see you do any better…Doogie Howser." Willow muttered then concentrated again.

X

_AN- Gee, sure hope Buffy doesn't need that... :D_


	10. Bits of Buffy

**Ten - Bits of Buffy**

"Ugh…" groaned Buffy as she gingerly sat up.

"Buffy! You're okay!" gasped Xander.

"Buffy." Willow smiled briefly. "Hey."

"I…feel…so…funky…"

"Yep." confirmed Willow. "You kinda got shot."

"Shot? Oh! Warren! Gun!"

"Yeah, but don't worry I removed the bullet."

Xander nudged Willow.

"And possibly your…erm… appendix…" she reluctantly admitted.

Xander nudged her again.

"…aaaand just a little of your spleen…"

"…kidney…" Xander whispered helpfully.

Willow rolled her eyes, but since they were currently ebony pools of darkest magic no one could tell.

"Whatever."

Buffy looked very queasy. "B-but…I…had ….my…appendix …removed …when …I …was… eight…" she groaned.

Then she threw-up on Xander.

X

_AN- Yep, Willow totally flunked Psychic Surgery 101. Cheers for the FB guys and for those who might be wondering, Tara will be returning in the next drabble. Hoppy Toads! :)_


	11. Makeover of the Damned

**Eleven – Makeover of the Damned**

Luckily, Buffy didn't die.

Again.

And Xander was wearing a Hawaiian patterned shirt that blended nicely with Slayer vomit.

Not that Xander cared.

He was currently in shock.

"Ga-ga-gah…"

His eyes were burning.

It was pink! And fuzzy!

The wheels, the seats, the windscreen…

Pink.

It was like an Apocalypse.

Except PINK.

And were those eyelashes on those headlights?

And dear sweet lord… Bunny ears?! Bunny ears poking out the fuzzy chrome…

"Flibbertigibbits!" squealed Tara, tooting the horn.

It quacked like a duck.

Willow winced.

Perhaps leaving Tara in Xander's car hadn't had been such a great idea after all…

X

_AN- Buffy lives! No idea what Willow removed but yay for Slayer constitutions! Unfortunately Xander's car isn't doing so well..._


	12. Explainy Time

**Twelve - Explain-y Time**

"…and that's why Tara's a little…erm…"

"Crazier than a sack of crazy, crazy weasels?" said Xander.

"Uh…I was gonna say 'peppy'."

"Willow. She's turned my car into a PINK MUPPET!"

"Actually it's more kinda…bunny-ish?"

"And she used Buffy as a trampoline!"

"Huh?" Buffy perked up. "You mean that wasn't some wiggy Slayer dream?"

Suddenly they all lurched to the right.

Then left.

Then right again.

"Ohhh…" groaned Buffy. "…movement…bad…"

Xander twitched.

"And can I just say? Why the HELL did we let her drive?!"

Tara turned from the wheel, mad eyes glowing.

"HOPPY TOADS!" she roared.

Xander squeaked.

"G-good point."

X

_AN- Poor Xander. He should never ever argue with a woman driver...especially if she can kill him with her brain! :D_


	13. Bus Stop

**Thirteen – Bus Stop**

The speeding bus loomed closer…

Closer…

Tara slammed on the brakes.

Oh wait. Not that one.

Another bus!

Closer…

Closer…

Brake!

Screech!

Nope. Not that one either.

Aha! THERE he is!

Closer…closer…yesssss…

Brake!

SCREEEEEECHHHH!!

GOT HIM.

"Bad!" Willow admonished, wagging a finger. "Playing chicken with the buses is bad!"

Tara giggled and beeped her nose.

Buffy and Xander sat frozen in absolute wide-eyed terror.

Occasionally they whimpered.

"At least you caught Warren." Willow sighed then smiled. " Let's go kill him a lot before they recover and stop us."

"Yay!" Tara clapped her hands and happily skipped after the witch.

X

_AN- It could have been worse... They could have let BUFFY drive! _


	14. The Dread Power of the Key

**Fourteen – The Dread Power of the Key**

Willow glared up at the bus.

"Get out." she snarled.

75 pairs of red glowing eyes glared back.

"..eep." she squeaked.

That was a lot of angry passengers!

And Warren wasn't budging.

"Oooookay…Time for Plan B!"

Suddenly Dawn appeared before Willow.

"Wha-?" the teen gasped.

"It's okay, Dawnie." the witch soothed. "I'm just going to unleash your full potential."

"Huh?"

Suddenly a dark primordial power filled the girl.

Burning!

Raging!

Until it could no longer be contained!

"Get out! GET OUT! **GET OOOOUT!!**" Dawn shrieked at the passengers.

Willow grinned as they all thundered out the bus.

"Works every time."

X

_AN- Nothing can stand against the power of Dawn's mighty lungs! Nothing! (Except maybe lots and lots of duct tape...)_

_Thank you everyone for all the feedback! Glad you guys are enjoying the Season Six silliness so far. Lots more crazy to come. Hoppy Toads! :) _


	15. So NOT Warren

**Fifteen – So NOT Warren**

Willow coughed and hacked as a huge dust cloud left by the stampede of frantic passengers suddenly surrounded her.

"Atchoo!" sneezed Tara, sounding like a kitten with the sniffles.

"Okay. Seeing a flaw in the plan here…" grimaced Willow, peering through the thick dust.

Luckily, she could still feel Warren's essence.

Suddenly, an itchy tingle flared through her witchy senses.

Warren…was…right…

THERE!

Swiftly, Willow turned and grabbed the murderous geek sneaking behind her.

"GOTCHAaaahuh…?"

Willow froze.

W-was that…?

Her grabby hands squeezed experimentally.

…L-lady bumps?

Since when did Warren have LADY BUMPS?!

"What…what…what?" the witch stammered.

Then the dust cleared…


	16. So NOT Buffy

**Sixteen – So NOT Buffy**

"Hello Willow my-best-friend-who-has-recently-turned-gay-and-is-also-a-witch." chirped Buffy.

Then she looked down at her (very, very generous) bosom and pouted.

"Please unhand my ta-tas for only Master Warren, who-is-mighty-and-manly may touch them."

"Gaaaaahhhh!!" shuddered Willow.

"Hey! She's you!" Dawn nudged Buffy standing beside her. "A really skanky you!"

"Gaaaaahhhh!!" shuddered her (rather less endowed) sister.

"Heeeello cat-suit!" Xander drooled. "Why don't you wear a cat-suit, Buff…eek!"

Wow. Buffy sure had a tight grip.

"Because I like it when the vampires are NOT staring at my breasts?" she snarled.

"…unless their name is Spike…" muttered Dawn under her breath.

Luckily, Buffy had selective hearing.

X

_AN- Did a lil edit so it flows a bit better. (This one was kinda driving me buggy.) A big hearty cheers for the feedback guys! And yep, Warren had some spare parts lying around and thought it might be a better alternative to the Warren-bot. Although I'm sure Buffy might not agree... :)_


	17. Weapons Of Mass Destruction

**Seventeen – Weapons of Mass Destruction**

The Buffy-Bot however, had perfect hearing.

Suddenly a shrill alarm filled the air.

"ALERT! ALERT!" she said in a metallic voice. " TARGET-BIMBO-SLAYER-WITHIN-SENSOR-PROXIMITY!"

"Bimbo?!" bristled Buffy.

"OPERATION-GOOSE-CHASE-RESCINDED. CODE-BLONDE-BOMB-SHELL-ACTIVATED!"

Something began to hum.

Dawn frowned. "Hey, is that coming from the cat-suit?"

Then she squeaked when the impressive bust suddenly popped open to reveal two protruding cannons.

"Well, that's…strangely disappointing." Xander said, quickly backing away.

"MULTI-WARHEAD-TA-TAS-PRIMED" droned the Bot. "TARGET-LOCKED."

The cannons swiveled upon the rapidly retreating figures.

"EXTERMINATE!"

Buffy groaned as two missiles shot towards her.

"I am soooo going to STAKE Warren…" she muttered and dived to the ground.

X

_AN- I'm baaaack and I've survived the crazy. I have a garden now! I've never had a garden before. The words 'must get lawn mower' are now in my vocabulary. I'm still giddy about it. :)_


	18. Buffy Go Boom

**Eighteen – Buffy Go Boom**

Buffy covered her head as the missiles just missed her.

Then her eyes widened as they arced through the sky and turned back, heading straight for her.

"Y'know…there's something screwy going on here." Xander said.

"£&#!!" Buffy replied before diving under the deadly weapons again.

"Ohhhh! It's like Slayer seeking missiles!" exclaimed Dawn, watching her sister run past with the missiles in hot pursuit.

"Yes. Master Warren, who-is-mighty-and-manly-and-a-demon-in-the-sack created them especially to destroy the bimbo." the Buffy-Bot chirped helpfully.

Suddenly Buffy popped up in front of her.

"STOP…CALLING…ME…A…BIMBO!!" she panted.

Then ducked.

The missiles kept going.

Buffy-Bot blinked.

Then exploded.


	19. Collateral Damage

**Nineteen – Collateral Damage**

Dawn coughed and waved away the smoke billowing all around them.

Then she saw her sister kneeling barefoot in the middle of a smoking crater, looking very singed and sobbing loudly.

"Buffy!"

Dawn gasped in alarm and rushed to her side.

"Oh God! Are you hurt?"

"….noooo…" Buffy sniffled then lifted two black gloopy lumps in her hands.

"…these were my Jimmy Choo suede shoes. " Buffy whimpered mournfully. "And the blast MELTED theeeem!"

"At least it wasn't Christian Louboutin Babel leather boots like these!" Xander said, waving a shredded Bot leg.

"WAAAAAHHHHHH!!" wailed Buffy.

Dawn sighed.

"Xander? Stop helping."


	20. Meanwhile

**Twenty – Meanwhile, deep in the Sunnydale forest…**

Warren was getting away.

"Mwahahaha! PWNED!" he crowed, looking at the blip disappearing on his mini-watch/scanner gadget.

The Bot had released the missiles just as he planned and it seemed they had nailed Buffy.

"Hah! Yeah, let's see you bounce back from a tactical warhead, Blondie." he sneered. "Too bad I didn't have time to pre-set them for the Wit-"

The reappearance of the blip interrupted him.

Warren's face fell.

"Oh…COME ON! I was in the middle of a good GLOAT here!"

Then he suddenly slammed into an invisible wall.

"Owww! WTF?!?"

And another…

"AH DUCK! BY DOSE!"

And another…

X

_AN- Hello everyone. Well, here I am finally back again! Let me give you all a big Godzilla sized apology for this delay. I'm afraid RL just got too intense for a few months for carefree drabble fun. I can't promise it won't again, but hopefully I'll finish this before it does. Meanwhile, welcome back to the madness. :)_


	21. Blood Play

**Twenty-one – Blood Play**

Tara giggled as the little 'Warren' light on her magical map smashed against her barrier and flew towards Willow.

This tracking spell was fun!

The redhead gestured and the light rebounded off her own barrier, heading towards Tara's end again.

Tara squealed in excitement and magically moved her barrier, hitting it back.

Willow quickly returned it.

Tara hit it back.

Willow returned it.

Tara hit it back.

Willow returned it.

"Y'know, sweetie…"

Willow sighed as the blonde magically smashed the light back to her.

"…I'm pretty sure we shouldn't be playing PONG with the Blood of the Slain like this…"


	22. An Unfortunate Crossover

**Twenty-two – An Unfortunate Crossover**

Warren was not happy.

Being slammed repeatedly between two invisible walls had really put a crimp on his escape plans.

And a dent in his nose.

"Well, howdy Warren."

Plus Willow had found him.

"DIME DO DIE DOSENDURG!" he threatened nasally, brandishing a small box.

Willow raised an unimpressed eyebrow. "Uh-huh."

The box sprouted wings and flew towards her.

However, before it reached her, some specky kid on a broom snatch it out the air.

"I've got the snitch!" cried the boy triumphantly.

Then he exploded into gory bits

"Ewww." Willow grimaced.

Then Warren stuck an axe in her back.


	23. Willow's Weakness

**Twenty-three - Willow's Weakness**

"Axe?" Willow sneered, "Not gonna cut it."

Warren staggered back.

"Oh…Oh Yeah? DEN EAT DIS!" he snarled, peppering her body with crossbow bolts.

Willow rolled her eyes.

"Yeah. Kinda tickles."

"Um…Ooookay." Warren whipped out an Uzi and open fired. "Hahahaha! Godcha NOW!"

Willow yawned.

"Nope."

Warren's flamethrower bathed the witch in fire. "Um…durn ditch durn?"

An unharmed Willow smirked as she blew out the flame still flickering on her finger.

"Bored now."

"Oh crap!" Desperately Warren threw something at her.

Willow caught it and smiled.

Then she froze.

"Ribbit." the frog she held croaked up at her.

"EEEEEEE!!!" Willow screamed.


	24. Bad Frog

**Twenty-four – Bad Frog**

Warren grinned as Willow desperately tried to shake the frog from her hand.

"GETOFFGETOFFGETOFFGETOFF!"

"Ribbit." went the frog. Not budging.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Willow shook her hand faster until it became a blur.

"RibbitRibbitRibbitRibbitRibbit." warbled the frog, its croaks vibrating with the force its jiggling body.

"Dit's nod use, Dosendurg." Warren smirked. "Dit's stuck with _Stuper Glue_."

Willow went pale.

The frog blinked at her.

Willow started to hyperventilate.

Warren hoped at this rate, she'd keel over with a heart attack.

Suddenly lightning struck the frog, turning it to ash.

"**BAD FROG!**" Tara roared, her pointing finger still smoking.

"…duck…" muttered Warren.


	25. Shoe Shock

**Twenty-five – Shoe Shock**

Meanwhile…

Xander parked at the Magic Box.

He figured, since the witches went AWOL, they might get help there.

They would need it.

"How's Buffy?" he asked, glancing worriedly at his backseat passengers.

"Still spaced out." Dawn sighed, waving a hand in front of her unresponsive unblinking sister.

"….jiiiiimmy…chooooo…" Buffy drooled. "…choooooo…."

"I think it's shoe shock."

"Great." moaned Xander, as they got out the car. "Will's gone Wicca Wicca Wiggy, Tara's nuts and now Buffy's all Slayer Interrupted again!"

"This sucks." agreed Dawn, guiding her sister into the shop.

Suddenly they all froze.

"What the frilly heck?!" gasped Xander.

X

_AN- Shoes are Buffy's kryptonite... Cheers for the FB Silvermoonlight and ravageddragon30! More silliness to come. :)_


	26. Anya's Bad Day

**Twenty-six – Anya's Bad Day**

Anya was having a bad day.

First Willow barged into her shop evil-as-you-please and zapped her.

Then she sucked all the deepest darkest magick books dry.

And without paying!

But worst of all…

"Anya?!?" boggled Xander. "What…What the hell happened to you?"

The vengeance demon stood in the middle of the shop with every inch of her body and clothes covered in cartoon doodles.

She also had big black glasses, thick black eyebrows and a black bushy moustache drawn on her face.

"Tara." Anya sighed. "With a magic marker and the attention span of a Two year old on crack."


	27. Buffy's Cure, Anya's Curse

**Twenty-seven – Buffy's Cure, Anya's Curse**

Buffy took one look at Anya and collapsed.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" shrieked the Slayer, rolling around the floor.

Anya glared.

"Well, at least she's not catatonic anymore." Dawn muttered to Xander.

"She won't be _corporeal _anymore, if she doesn't shut-up." Anya warned.

The blonde just giggled helplessly.

"Right. That's it!" Anya morphed into her demonic form. "Fear my WRATH!"

Buffy paused.

Snorted.

Then burst into more laughter.

"Well, that's just rude." Anya frowned, huffily.

"Um…Anya?" Dawn hesitantly held up a mirror.

Anya blinked.

Her reflection looked like a scary vein-y Groucho Marx.

"Oh." she mumbled, "That…certainly ruins the effect."

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" agreed Buffy.


	28. Because It's Wrong

**Twenty-eight – Because It's Wrong**

Anya scrubbed fiercely at her face but the marks wouldn't go away.

"Auuugh! I can't believe Tara used a _magic_ magic marker!"

"Wait-a-minute…" Xander gasped. "Y-You're a vengeance demon AGAIN?!?"

"That's great!" blurted Dawn. "You can find Willow with your…your …um…vengeance-fu or something!"

"No I can't." sniffed Anya. "She's _snubbing_ me. She wants to hog the bloody eviscerations all to herself…"

"B-bloody?" stammered Dawn. "But…but we've gotta stop her!"

"Don't worry Dawnie!" Buffy suddenly declared heroically. "I won't let Willow murder Warren!"

Dawn looked relieved. "Because it's really, really wrong?"

"Noooo…" Buffy grinned manically. "Because I wanna kill him FIRST."


	29. Gotta Have Faith

**Twenty-nine – Gotta Have Faith**

"Whoa, Buffy! No going crazy!" Xander chided. "Besides, Faith owns that gig. Literally."

Buffy deflated. "Really?"

"Yep. Here's the copyright." Dawn handed her a document. "You can't have a psychosis AND be a Slayer…or she'll sue."

Buffy pouted, reading. "That's not fair! I'm SO way more disturbed than she is!"

Then she gasped. "S-She's getting…ROYALTIES?!?"

"Uh-huh. One dollar every time someone uses 'B'…'Red'…'Dark Slayer' and 'Five-by-five' in a fan-fic." Anya's eyes sparkled with admiration. "I wish I'd thought of that."

Meanwhile in jail …

Faith lazily relaxed on a HUGE pile of money.

"It's good to be me." she purred.

X

_AN – And remember kids, every time a fan-fic author writes a Fuffy, Faith gets a shiny new cheque for her undisclosed bank account in Switzerland!:D_


	30. Xander's Super Awesome Plan

**Thirty – Xander's Super Awesome Plan**

"Fine." Buffy crumpled up the copyright and chucked it over her shoulder. "I guess I'm stuck being the morally upstanding one."

"More like the bossy one." muttered Anya.

Buffy ignored her.

"Alright!" She smacked her hands together. "We need a plan!"

Xander perked up.

"Well, we could always trigger my deeply buried mystical Werehyena-Soldier-Memory-Warrior-Mage powers and then can I battle Willow, uncover a prophecy and fulfil my destiny to save the world from Ultimate Evil!" he suggested.

The girls gave Xander a very, very hard stare.

"...Ooooor I could just sit here and…heh…quietly eat a Twinkie?"

He ate the Twinkie.

X

_AN- Awww…poor Xander. No spontaneous super awesome–ness for him today. But at least he got yummy confectionaries!:D_


	31. Anya's Slightly Better Plan

**Thirty-one – Anya's **_**Slightly **_**Better Plan**

Buffy rubbed the bridge of her nose in exasperation. "We need a better plan…"

"I can track down Tara using my demon senses." Anya chirped.

Dawn frowned. "But I thought you were blocked."

"Well, Willow has…but Tara's an open book, well more like pop-up book and…"

"Where Tara is…Willow won't be far behind!" finished Buffy.

"Exactly." Anya nodded, concentrating. "She's...in...the...forest! Not far! Let's hurry and take Xander's car!"

She raced out the door.

"C-car? Uh-oh! Wait Anya there's-"

Suddenly Anya screamed.

"AHHHHHH!!!MONSTER!!!FIEND!!!**DIE!!!!**"

Then there was a loud boom.

"Well…Willow _did_ say it looked more kinda…bunny-ish…" Buffy winced.

Xander just groaned.

X

_AN- Poor Xander's car... I'm really picking on it in this fic! hehehehe! Cheers for the FB guys! :)_


	32. Buffy Finds A Loophole

**Thirty-two – Buffy Finds A Loophole**

"I can't believe you fried my car!" Xander moaned as he drove down the road.

The crispy pink fuzz was still smoking.

"You never TOLD me it was that…that…b-bun…bunn…HORRIBLE thing parked outside!" retorted Anya, defensively.

"Well…DUH! You ran out before we could warn you!"

"Well…OF COURSE I ran out! The sooner we find Tara, the sooner I can stop looking like a small amusing Jewish man with bad facial hair!"

"I wish you two would stop arguing…" muttered Buffy.

Then she paused. '_Heeeey…there's…a…thought…'_

"Actually…I really _wish _Warren was here," she said, looking expectantly at Anya. "Preferably smeared under the car."

X

_AN- Uh-oh...Buffy's gonna steal Dark Willow's vengeance after all AND not get sued.... Or is she? Cheers for the FB Silvermoonlight! Buffy as a bald Britney cracks me up! LOL!:D_


	33. The Higher Power

**Thirty-three – The Higher Power**

"Buffy!!" Dawn gasped.

Buffy shrugged. "Hey, loophole? Technically? Not laying a finger on him." Then she turned to Anya. "So where is he? Why isn't he popping like a zit under the wheels?"

"Oooo…nice." Anya smiled. "But sorry…Vengeance Demons don't serve Slayers."

"Huh? Why not?"

"Oh the usual…" Anya replied breezily. "It's forbidden…no direct messing with the Chosen One…no systematically destroying the universal balance of the cosmos…blah-de-blah. It's a thing."

She sniffed, haughtily. "Besides…only the Higher Power gets to screw-up the Slayers."

"What Higher Power?"

"Something more terrible than you can _ever _conceive of."

Meanwhile…

"Atchoooo!"

Joss Whedon sneezed…


	34. Warren Is Sorry

**Thirty-four – Meanwhile…Warren Is Sorry**

"LED ME GO DOSENBURG!!" Warren yelled, trying to shake his arms free of the vines that bound him. "OR DO AR DED!"

"Y'know…you kinda sound like Mr Snuffleupagus with a head cold." Willow observed, frowning. "It's really distracting."

She reached out and touched Warren's nose, instantly healing it.

"Yow! Oh! Hey, thanks!" He sniffed deeply. "That's better! Now…where…was…I?"

"Lame death-threats."

"HEY! I practiced really har…um…I mean _**release**_ me **Witch** or-!"

Dark energy crackled around Willow.

"I'msorryIshotyourfriend!" Warren squeaked, terrified.

"Girlfriend."

"Okaaaay…b-but…um…she looks fine…now…?"

"She's chewing on a sock."

"Bwheeeeeeeee!" Tara squealed.

"And juggling squirrels."

"Bwheeeeeeeee!"

"Er…doesn't she usually…?"

"No."

"Oh."


	35. Girlfriend Trouble

**Thirty-five – Girlfriend Trouble**

"She wasn't your first."

Warren jerked. "W-What?"

"Tara." Willow stated. "She wasn't your first victim."

"Uhhh…"

"Reveal." Willow commanded, invoking the Darkness.

"NOW!"

Seven-of-Nine meticulously peeled a grape and popped it in Warren's surprised mouth.

"Wanna massage?" purred Xena, kneading his shoulders.

"Stop blocking my light!" complained a very naked Velma from Scooby-Doo. "I can't read his X-MEN to him now!"

"I'm booooooored!" whined slave-girl Princess Leia. "Let's have an orgy!"

Willow stared in speechless shock.

"Whaaa?!"

Then slapped her forehead.

"Oh…fercryin'outloud…" she muttered.

"Um…Hey! Dark Ones?" Willow called out, exasperated. "I meant show me his EX-girlfriends…not his…ewwww…sicko FANTASY ones!"

X

_AN- As always, Cheers for the FB guys! And we're almost at long-freaking-last at the end of 'Villains'! Yay! :D_


	36. That's Better

**Thirty-six - ****That's Better**

There was a rather sheepish crackle of mystical power.

Then the women surrounding Warren popped out of existence like soap bubbles.

"Awww…" Warren pouted, disappointed.

That unexpected massage had been great and nobody could peel grapes like the Borg!

Suddenly Katrina, his extremely dead ex-girlfriend appeared from behind a tree and glowered at him.

Warren immediately stiffened in horror.

He stared.

And stared.

And stared.

And Katrina stared back.

Then she ran up and kicked him in the nuts.

Repeatedly.

"You &#£$%!" she snarled, stomping hard on his groin.

"SQUEAK!" Warren wheezed.

Willow crossed her arms and smiled.

"Thaaaat's better."


	37. Dawn's Special Wish

**Thirty-seven – Dawn's Special Wish**

Meanwhile…in the forest…

"No."

"Pleeeease…Dawnie?" Buffy whined.

"No!"

"_Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"_

"No, Buffy." Dawn said firmly. "I'm not going to wish horrible bloody vengeance on Warren for you!"

"He doesn't have to…die…just…y'know…_**maim**_ him a little…"

"Gee. Let me think… NO."

"But-"

"Not gonna happen, sis."

Buffy sighed then suddenly looked sly.

"Fine. No vengeance then. But maybe you could…?"

Buffy whispered in Dawn's ear.

(Later…)

"_Thankyou!Thankyou!Thankyou!"_Buffy squealed, hugging her new designer Manolo Blahnik alligator boots.

"Actually…I'm kinda surprised you granted it." Dawn murmured aside to Anya. "It's not very…vengeance-y…"

"Ooooh…You'll see."

Anya slowly grinned to herself.

'_Especially when she gets the BILL.'_

X

_AN- Manolo Blahnik alligator boots = $14, 000._

_The look on Buffy's face when she sees her next credit card statement = Priceless._

_And the moral is - never ever EVER use a vengeance demon to wish for shoes…especially when she's still ticked off at you for laughing at her Groucho face._


	38. Working The Vengeance

**Thirty-eight – Working The Vengeance **

Meanwhile…

Warren hung limply on the vines, twitching and whimpering.

Willow smirked.

"Gee…Katrina sure had..._issues_ with you, huh Warren?"

Suddenly a squirrel went sailing by.

"Umm…Baby?" Willow gently called. "Leave the nice squirrels alone. Let's inflict horrible bloody revenge on Warren instead."

"Okay!" Tara chirped.

Then she whirled upon Warren.

"BAD!" she snarled and her eyes burned with magic.

Suddenly bright energy flared.

The wind howled.

Warren cowered.

And Tara outstretched dangerous reaching fingers.

Reaching…reaching…

"BEEP!" Tara grinned, pressing his nose.

"BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!"

Then she skipped away…giggling.

"Ooookaaaay…"

Willow sighed.

"Gonna have to work on that vengeance thing, Sweetie."

X

_AN- Warren is very, very lucky Tara is so sweet and gentle... and has the attention span of a Two year old on crack. :D  
_


	39. Willow's Turn

**Thirty-nine – Willow's Turn**

Dark magic crackled along Willow's fingers.

"My turn." she hissed.

Warren shrank back.

"N-no please! _I'msorryI'msorryI'msorry!_" he babbled desperately. "Please! D-Don't do this! You-you're powerful like-like the Force! B-But you can still turn from the Dark Side! And-"

"_Excuse me?_" Willow looked incredulous. "Are you comparing me to _Star Wars_?"

"Uhhhh…maybe…?"

Willow narrowed her eyes.

Then she smiled.

"Actually…kinda liking that idea…"

Suddenly the ground split open and Warren found himself dangling below a smoking pit.

"Ahhhh! WTF?!?"

"Remember _'The Empire Strikes Back'_, Warren?" Willow taunted. "Remember what they did to poor ol' Han Solo?"

She grinned evilly.

"Wanna role-play?"


	40. Warren Goes ByeBye

**Forty – Warren Goes Bye-Bye**

"Y-Your gonna CARBON FREEZE me?!?"

Willow's eyes glittered.

"Yup. It'll be neat, Warren. Just like the movie! Except…y'know…with excruciating pain."

The vines began to lower him and Warren could feel the icy smoke licking at his legs.

"Whoa! WHOA! STOP! FRICKING STOP ALREADY!" he cried, squirming in his bonds.

The vines paused.

"Y'know, you're kinda spoiling your big scene." Willow complained. "Han was definitely less fussy."

"_OHGODOHGODPLEASEDON'TDOTHIS!_" babbled Warren. "JAIL! J-Just _lemmegotoJAIL!_"

Willow looked thoughtful.

"Soooo…you want me to let you go?"

"YES!"

"Really?"

"YES! GOD YES!"

"Okay-dokey."

Suddenly Warren was dropped into the smoking pit.

"YOU BIIIIIIiiiiiiiiitch!" he screamed.

X

_AN- Well, he did say he wanted her to let him go. Hehehehe…_


	41. Geeks and Anya's Xmas Special

**Forty-one – Geeks**

"WILLOW!"

Willow turned and saw Buffy racing towards her.

"Hey." she greeted flatly. "Nice shoes."

"Ooooo…Aren't they though!" Buffy caught herself. "Um…_nevermindthat!_ Where's Warren?"

"Here."

The vines rose from the pit and deposited a steaming block with a thunk.

Warren's body was encased within it.

"Willow! What did you do?" Buffy gasped, then cocked her head. "No seriously. What is that? Modern Art?"

"She froze him in CARBONITE like Han Solo!" exclaimed Xander. "That is so…so…"

"Unspeakably evil?" supplied Anya.

"Utterly twisted?" offered Dawn.

"…COOL!" Xander gushed.

"Awww…Thanks Xander." Willow preened.

The girls rolled their eyes.

"…Geeks…." they sighed simultaneously.

X

AN- Uh-oh. Xander and Willow's inner Geeky roots are showing… :D Thank you for the feedback and I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas! As a special thank you to my readers, here's a little extra slice of Seasonal Silliness…

I call it…

**ANYA'S ALTERNATIVE XMAS CAROL CAPER (or why you should never ever EVER let an ex-vengeance demon sing Carols at Christmas...or any other time for that matter)**

It was snowing again in Sunnydale, which was weird and sort of Hellmouth-y, but since there wasn't an impending apocalypse everyone let it slide and decided to enjoy the Christmassy atmosphere. Buffy even relaxed long enough to stop bemoaning her current lack of being in Heeeeaven and get drunk on Dawn's experimental Vodka eggnog instead. Unfortunately, she then spent Christmas Eve running around Sunnydale making all the snowmen disturbingly anatomically correct with her stakes and giggling like a loon. The Scoobies spent the rest of the night chasing after her.

But that's another story…

Meanwhile… Anya was putting up her decorations when her doorbell rang.

"Oh, I wonder who could that be? Maybe I won the lottery! I hope it's a man carrying a highly amusing but completely impractical giant cheque." she said, opening her door.

She was a bit disappointed to discover it was just a bunch of kids wearing Victorian Period costumes and carrying a lantern.

"You all look like orphans. Are you orphans? Anyway go away. There's no gruel for you here!"

"Hey! We're not orphans!" one of the kids huffed. "We're Carol singers!"

Anya immediately perked up. "Oooooh, Carols! I love Carols! I know all the classics. Me and my friends use to sing them all the time!" She paused to sigh nostalgically then looked curiously at the group standing outside her door in the snow.

"So, small strangely dressed children, what are you going to sing?"

"Rudolfphhhh!" spoke up a cute little girl with a lisp.

"Oh good! One of my favourites!"

A cute little boy dressed as Tiny Tim held out a bucket containing some money. "Excuwwwwse me, pwretty lady. But could you pwlease give us a donation? Pwwwwwwlease? It's for chwarity." He had a lisp too.

It was a testament to Anya's great and superior will power that she didn't laugh in his face. But it was a near thing.

"Sorry, adorable begging urchin but I want to hear what you've got first. However, if you impress me enough I may think about it." she lied.

The group shuffled uneasily at the behaviour of this strange blunt woman but decided to launch into a jaunty rendition of 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer' anyway.

They got as far as the middle of the first part when Anya started frantically waving her arms at them.

"STOP! STOP! STOP!" she yelled, looking thoroughly agitated.

"-even say it gloooows. Huh? W-Wha?" asked the Carol singers stuttering to a halt.

"What the HELL was that? Reindeers? Glowing NOSES? Are you all on crack?" complained Anya. "What kind of Carol singers are you when you don't even know the WORDS!?"

"B-But we do know the words!" blurted a kid who tentatively held out a songbook. "S-See? It's all written down and everything!"

"Gimme that!" Anya snatched the book then started to furiously leaf through it. After a time she shook her head and muttered something about demonic copyright infringement.

"Well, this is just awful! None of these have the right words!" Anya grumbled. "They've all been unjustly rewritten!"

"Huh? Rewritten?" the Carol singers mumbled. "Really?"

"Oh yes. They've totally twisted, rearranged, changed and frankly buggered up some perfectly fine classics here! In fact all of these…" she held up the songbook at arms length and wrinkled her nose like it was something rancid and smelly. "…are sad pathetic shells of the original traditional songs! It's an utter, utter travesty!"

The Carol singers collectively 'Ooooo-ed'.

"So what was changed?" they asked curiously.

"Well, I'm rather glad you asked me that." Anya replied importantly. "For starters, 'Rudolph' has absolutely nothing to do with reindeer with illuminating radioactive snouts. It's all a bunch of fiendish misdirection and lies." She gave them a very toothy smile. "Would you children like to hear the original version which is based on the truth?"

The kids looked a little uneasy but shrugged. "Er…sure. Uh-huh. Okay."

"Great! I haven't sung this in ages so don't hold it against me if I sound a little rusty! Now prepared to be enlightened!" Anya declared. Then she took a deep breath and burst into song.

"_Rudolph the BLOOD thirsty PSYCHOOOO,_

_Had a very SHINY AXE._

_Aaaaand if you ever saw him,_

_He would give you such a WHACK!_

X

_All of the other children,_

_Use to LAUGH and call him NAAAAAAMES._

_Until they drove poor old Rudolph,_

_Completely HOMICIDALLY INSANE!_

X

_Then one UNFORTUNATE Xmas Eve,_

_Santa NERVOUSLY came to say…_

'_Rudolph with your AXE so BRIGHT,_

_Please don't use it on ME tonight!'_

X

_Now all the other children,_

_CRY and WAIL in MISERY._

'_Rudolph you CHOPPED UP SANTA,_

_You made Christmas totally HISTORYYYYYY!'"_

Anya finished with a flourish and grinned at the Carol singers. "I forgot how much fun that was!" she exclaimed happily. "Let's do another!"

The kids just stared.

"I-Is Santa…?" squeaked a little girl. She couldn't finish the terrible thought.

"Oh! Don't worry. Rudolph didn't really chop up Santa with an axe." Anya explained absentmindedly, eagerly flicking through the songbook.

There was a collective sigh of relief.

"He actually used a chainsaw."

She was completely oblivious to the collective look of horror trained upon her.

"A-ha! Here we are! 'Away In A Manger'." Anya snorted with contempt as she tapped the page. "Now this one is so wrong it's almost laughable. Babies and Cribs and Stables? Pfffft! What kind of crazy child birthing environmental message are they trying to sell us here? Obviously one that never heard of hygiene or epidurals." Anya snapped the book shut making everyone jump. "Well, here's the real version and it's also based on a truly touching event too. I hope you children appreciate this!"

"Oh Gawd. Not again." whimpered the Tiny Tim kid.

But Anya ignored him.

"_Away in a MANGLER,_

_The gears crushed your HEAD._

_Your body is BROKEN,_

_And now you're quite DEAD._

X

_The engine is GLOWING,_

_The piston's running RED._

_The blood's OVERFLOWING,_

_And yes, you're still DEAD._

X

_The people give a fearful CRY,_

_And look down where you LAY._

_They've just found your BODY,_

_Ground up like PATE."_

Anya wiped a small tear from her eye. "Oh, don't mind me." she sniffed. "It's just that song is so…so beautiful! All that lovely death and tragedy. Don't you think so too?"

The kids just dropped their mouths open in silent shock.

"Everybody's a critic…" she mumbled, leafing through the songbook again. "Ahhhh! 'Santa Claus Is Coming To Town.' Now THIS is a much-maligned classic! Unlike 'Rudolph', this Carol is about the REAL Santa." Anya glanced at the Carol singers.

"I wonder if I should share the original for this one? It's quite legendary but…I don't know if I should….hmmmmm…." she mused, playfully pretending to ponder.

Everyone boggled at her and frantically shook their heads.

"Okay then! You talked me into it!" Anya replied and began happily singing again much to their utter dismay.

"_Ooooooooooooh, you better watch out!_

_You better not cry!_

_You better not draw any attention to yourself whatsoever,_

_And I'm telling you why…_

_SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN!_

X

_He's got great big TEETH,_

_TALONS and CLAWS!_

_He'll TEAR off your HEAD,_

_And cram it in his JAWS!_

_SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN!_

X

_He knows when you are sleeping,_

_He knows when you're awake,_

_He knows what time you're gonna DIE DIE DIE!_

_And he's right by no mistake!_

X

_So lock up your CHILDREN!_

_Bolt up that DOOR!_

'_Cause if he gets in,_

_He'll have your ENTRAILS on the FLOOR!_

_SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOOOOOOOOOOOWN!"_

Anya ended with a big theatrical flourish and waited expectantly for the no doubt rapturous applause of her audience. That one always brought the House down back in Arashmaharr .

She waited…

And waited…

And waited…

"HEY! FRICKING APPLAUDE ME ALREADY!" she yelled, exasperated.

Unfortunately, all the Carol singers did was stare at her with blank glassy unfocused eyes and make funny whimpering noises. Occasionally they twitched. Anya frowned then waved her hand in front of their frozen traumatised little faces. Then she pinched their noses, tweaked their ears, tugged their hair and gave them wedgies. By this time she wasn't bothered about reviving them, she was just indulging herself.

"Oh dear." Anya sighed to herself, poking the little Tiny Tim kid. "I think I broke them." She shook her head sadly. "I guess I forgot how frail and delicate human sensibilities really are, especially at such a young and impressionable age. Why, I wouldn't be surprised if they were all psychological scarred for life and became incontinent."

Anya paused to reflect upon the terrible, terrible, terrible thing she had just done.

"Oh well." she shrugged, then walked back in her house, slamming her door firmly behind her.

3 seconds later she opened it again and addressed her still frozen audience.

"Actually, it's just occurred to me that I've been doing all the Carol singing here and that you should be donating to me. Soooo…"

Anya reached out and pried the bucket of money from Tiny Tim's stiff little fingers. "That'll do nicely."

"Merry Christmas!" she chirped happily and slammed her door even more firmly behind her.

This time the impact dislodged a massive amount of snow from her roof, which then fell down on their heads with a soft 'FLUMP!' and made them all look like a little group of snowmen.

5 minutes later a giggling Buffy came skipping past and started sticking her stakes on them in very naughty and highly inappropriate places.

Then Willow, Xander, Tara, Dawn and Giles all dog piled on her and stunned her with a taser.

THE END


End file.
